I had a step-dad, and it's fair to say, I was less than fond of him. His name was Steve, and he somehow managed to sweep my mom off her feet and marry her. I didn't like him, but I loved my mom and was able to get along with the man for her sake.
I did call him Dad after a while. Not because I felt that he could be the daddy I never had, but because I knew it would make my mom happy. It always left a bad taste in my mouth, and he must have had enough intuition to know my efforts to bond were never genuine.
I had a stepsister too, but I don't know anything about her, and always found it odd that she wasn't part of our lives. Her name was Mandy, and she was the product of his first marriage.
In the six years I knew Steve, he only saw his daughter a few times, and she only lived a couple towns away. He constantly complained about paying child support, and I can remember the police coming to our house to arrest him for failing to pay on more than one occasion. He was not a good husband or father, and he was definitely not a good step-dad.
He never made any real effort to break down the barriers between us, or make any real attempt to bond with me. We simply tolerated each other, and when my mom died, a victim of breast cancer, we went our separate ways and I've had no knowledge of him for the past twenty years.
Steve offered one approach to being a step-parent, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you really love your partner, and the children that are so much a part of them, you find a way to fit yourself in to the family dynamic and make things work.
When I met my girlfriend, Hailey, at her mom's Christmas party, I met her kids too. There was David, who was quite shy... and Amy, who was not. That little four-year-old girl introduced herself to me by sneaking up from behind, and choking me with a plastic grocery bag. Later that night the two of them had fun shoving crushed up Doritos down the back of my pants.
It's hard to play it cool for the hot girl at the party when your underwear is filled with one of America's favorite snacks... but I was cool.
I thought they were funny, and was able to laugh at myself with them. I genuinely liked them right away. Both of them were adorable, and as they were pointing and laughing at the nacho cheese dust on my pants, Hailey asked me if I was "ready for this?"
Was I ready for it?
I loved it! Those kids were clearly part of her, down to their every fiber. Seeing her interact with them, that night was one of the things that turned me on about her the most. She was a good mom. My love for Hailey was born on that night, and her kids were very much a part of it.
When I met them, they were four and five years old. Amy was just learning the alphabet, and poor David was crying himself to sleep every night, because he missed his dad. Now, nearly eight years later, neither one of them can even remember what life was like before me.
I have a son of my own now, Christopher, who is five years old, and David and Amy will always be his big brother and big sister. He loves them, and it makes his day when they take the time to play with him.
Having been both a parent as well as a step-parent, I believe the latter is a more difficult position to be in. It's hard to be a step-parent, and I commend those who do it well.
It's an unfair situation. You share all the same responsibilities as the parents, but with the deck stacked against you. You are not the parent, and the children know it. You have to, very delicately, find a way to fit yourself into the family structure without crossing any lines.
It's no easy task.
At the same time, you're under constant scrutiny in your relationship with the kids; from your significant other and, quite possibly, even greater scrutiny from their ex.
I've always had a recurring fear... one of the kids getting hurt on my watch! Thankfully, that's never happened. Every parent knows you can't watch your kids every second of every day, but that's an irrelevant fact when you're just the step-parent.
You live under a microscope when it comes to raising someone's children. You play by a stricter set of rules, with less understanding, and harsher repercussions for any failures or shortcomings. It's a demanding position to be in that requires a lot of sacrifice, but it can be done, and it can be done well. Just not without real love.
Possibly the most unfair aspect of step-parenthood is the fact that the relationship you build with these children is attached to, and dependent on the relationship you have with your partner.
I have lived with, and loved these kids for the better part of a decade. They are an immense part of my life. In the blink of an eye, they could become lost to me forever. If Hailey was to fall out of love with me, or if something ever happened to her, they could possibly be extracted from my life forever.
One of the only equal aspects between parents and step-parents is the reward. I've had a huge part in raising these two special kids. They're good people, and I had a lot to do with that. I'm very proud of the role I've played in their lives so far. They love me... and nobody can ever take that away.
I think I've been a good step-parent for the most part, though there's always room for improvement. If Steve was the benchmark then I've definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty. In many ways, I gave myself to these kids just as much as I did to Hailey.
I've been there for them as best I could, and done my best to be a positive influence in their young lives. I'm not perfect, but I love them, and that might be all you need.
I'm proud to consider David and Amy "my kids," and I'm proud to have them be Chris's big brother and sister. Hailey and I have done a good job raising them, and it's obvious they are going to be fine adults.
In the blink of an eye, Amy went from carrying a Disney Princess backpack and reading Green Eggs and Ham, to sharing a wardrobe with Hailey and dreaming about falling in love.
David was quiet and shy as a small boy, but now stands two inches taller than I do, and can be the life of the party with his sense of humor and silly brand of charm. It's been a great honor, being part of their lives, and watching them grow up.
I will continue to love them and do the best I can for them, for the rest of my days. They have made my life fuller, and more important, than it could have ever been without them.
The good certainly outweighs the bad whenever you're talking about raising children in any case, whether you're a parent or a step-parent. Personally, I'm very proud to be both.
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