How to Blend Families

The task of blending families is daunting. A step-family is not the same as a biological family. It can be one of the most difficult maneuvers, even for otherwise successful parents and productive members of society. Different personal and family histories create expectations that seem impossible to adjust. What makes a marriage work does not make a step-family work.

Parents renew their dream of family life, which is often not shared by the children. And then, there are the other members of the family - the ex-spouses, or in other words, co-parents.

E. Mavis Heatherington reveals in her research documented in her book For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, that is takes five to seven years of step-family tension to match the stress levels that of a husband and wife in a first marriage. Patricia Papernow agrees, saying that it takes a step-family an average of seven years to experience authenticity and intimacy. James Bray in his research found that a loving well-functioning step-family does not act or think like a family for two or three years. It can counteract the negative effects of divorce, but it takes time. Some experts suggest that it may take as many years as the age of the child at the time of remarriage. Meanwhile, protecting time within the biological sub-units of the step-family affirms that the relationships with primary attachments are protected. That is not an indication of family division. Step-parents can't expect to have the same kind of bond as with their biological children, but a bond can still grow to be strong.

Here are common step-family myths:

Love between family members will happen quickly. We will do it better this time around. Our children share our family dreams. Our family and parenting styles will blend well.

Actually most step-families will not be successful, with a 60 to 65 divorce rate. The chance of divorce when step-children are involved is 50 percent higher than remarriages without step-children. Making the marriage work is top priority. Parents may feel guilty that their kids had to suffer through a divorce, and may undermine their second marriage to cater to the kids. This extreme can be avoided along with the other extreme of expecting the step-family to be the same as a biological family. Parents need to confront each other behind closed doors, and never criticize a parent in front of the kids. The marriage, which may be one of the most vulnerable relationships in the step-family, needs to be protected and not in competition with the biological children. There is enough love and reassurance to go around for both relationships.

Co-parents that keep their kids out of conflict greatly increase the chance of the children's successful adjustment. Signs of cooperation between the parents are healing for the kids. Ron Deal, in his book The Smart Step-Family, compares the two homes of divorced parents to two countries with different customs and expectations. Imagine how hard it is for kids to adjust, and then imagine these two countries going to war. Every transition would be a move into enemy territory.

Giving the blended family to develop is crucial. Most tension is the result of pressure or expectations that are unrealistic or premature. Guard the marriage, a fragile relationship in a blended family, and the relationship with the biological children, a bond that needs to be respected. Take time and build a new relationship with the step-kids. When you first starting dating your new spouse, you took your time before you started acting like a spouse with the expectations of a spouse. Even though you may be living with your step-kids, take your time before acting like a parent with the expectations of a parent. From a child's point of view, the starting point of the relationship is when the children move in with a new step-parent, not the courtship. Biological parents and children have an attachment bond that is strong even before the kids can talk, and it has been strengthened over the years as the child has positive experiences or even wishes he or she has positive experiences with his or her mom and dad. In this context, the negativity from discipline is much better tolerated. As trust develops, so will one's influence.

Fostering - A Challenging Task

Broken family relationships, physical ailments of parents, poverty and death of parents etc are reasons for many children to become dependent on care-taker families for their survival as well as growth. Small children when separated from their real parents undergo severe emotional turmoil and they can be brought back to their normal life by providing foster care. There are children who are driven out of their families or they come out of their homes due to fear, disappointment or hatred etc. For such children the foster parents can provide shelter, food and clothing for a temporary period and later under the initiative of the foster parents they can be reunited with their real parents. Those who voluntarily come forward as foster parents to other children must be prepared to provide safe accommodation and secured life to the children for few days or for few years. The children who are brought into foster families are able to shed their fear of insecurity and when they start to get the care and moral support of the carers they become hopeful of a secured and stable life.

The children who underwent a lot of sufferings and set backs during their childhood days undergo a transition when they are provided foster care. They start to grow physically as well as mentally, start developing their personality and set goals for them in their life. It is indeed a great service and the carers will be proud to see those brought up by them doing well in their life. Those who have enough support from their family members as well as friends can do much better in their roles as foster parents. Sometimes it may become strenuous as well as complicated and on such occasions support from others is quite necessary. Those who run such care centers must be in touch with other foster parents and by participation in the discussion forums and social functions arranged by various care centers provide them the opportunity to get acquainted to other foster parents and exchange their views and ideas.

Those who have their own family must obtain the consent of the family members prior to becoming carers. The partner and own children of the carer must be more than willing to share the home and facilities with those children who were brought into the family from outside. Adopting a child is quite different from being the carer of a child. Fostering is a temporary task. In case of adoption, adopted parents have legal responsibility of the child.

How to Blend Families

The task of blending families is daunting. A step-family is not the same as a biological family. It can be one of the most difficult maneuvers, even for otherwise successful parents and productive members of society. Different personal and family histories create expectations that seem impossible to adjust. What makes a marriage work does not make a step-family work.

Parents renew their dream of family life, which is often not shared by the children. And then, there are the other members of the family - the ex-spouses, or in other words, co-parents.

E. Mavis Heatherington reveals in her research documented in her book For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, that is takes five to seven years of step-family tension to match the stress levels that of a husband and wife in a first marriage. Patricia Papernow agrees, saying that it takes a step-family an average of seven years to experience authenticity and intimacy. James Bray in his research found that a loving well-functioning step-family does not act or think like a family for two or three years. It can counteract the negative effects of divorce, but it takes time. Some experts suggest that it may take as many years as the age of the child at the time of remarriage. Meanwhile, protecting time within the biological sub-units of the step-family affirms that the relationships with primary attachments are protected. That is not an indication of family division. Step-parents can't expect to have the same kind of bond as with their biological children, but a bond can still grow to be strong.

Here are common step-family myths:

Love between family members will happen quickly. We will do it better this time around. Our children share our family dreams. Our family and parenting styles will blend well.

Actually most step-families will not be successful, with a 60 to 65 divorce rate. The chance of divorce when step-children are involved is 50 percent higher than remarriages without step-children. Making the marriage work is top priority. Parents may feel guilty that their kids had to suffer through a divorce, and may undermine their second marriage to cater to the kids. This extreme can be avoided along with the other extreme of expecting the step-family to be the same as a biological family. Parents need to confront each other behind closed doors, and never criticize a parent in front of the kids. The marriage, which may be one of the most vulnerable relationships in the step-family, needs to be protected and not in competition with the biological children. There is enough love and reassurance to go around for both relationships.

Co-parents that keep their kids out of conflict greatly increase the chance of the children's successful adjustment. Signs of cooperation between the parents are healing for the kids. Ron Deal, in his book The Smart Step-Family, compares the two homes of divorced parents to two countries with different customs and expectations. Imagine how hard it is for kids to adjust, and then imagine these two countries going to war. Every transition would be a move into enemy territory.

Giving the blended family to develop is crucial. Most tension is the result of pressure or expectations that are unrealistic or premature. Guard the marriage, a fragile relationship in a blended family, and the relationship with the biological children, a bond that needs to be respected. Take time and build a new relationship with the step-kids. When you first starting dating your new spouse, you took your time before you started acting like a spouse with the expectations of a spouse. Even though you may be living with your step-kids, take your time before acting like a parent with the expectations of a parent. From a child's point of view, the starting point of the relationship is when the children move in with a new step-parent, not the courtship. Biological parents and children have an attachment bond that is strong even before the kids can talk, and it has been strengthened over the years as the child has positive experiences or even wishes he or she has positive experiences with his or her mom and dad. In this context, the negativity from discipline is much better tolerated. As trust develops, so will one's influence.

A Look at Step-Parenthood

I had a step-dad, and it's fair to say, I was less than fond of him. His name was Steve, and he somehow managed to sweep my mom off her feet and marry her. I didn't like him, but I loved my mom and was able to get along with the man for her sake.

I did call him Dad after a while. Not because I felt that he could be the daddy I never had, but because I knew it would make my mom happy. It always left a bad taste in my mouth, and he must have had enough intuition to know my efforts to bond were never genuine.

I had a stepsister too, but I don't know anything about her, and always found it odd that she wasn't part of our lives. Her name was Mandy, and she was the product of his first marriage.

In the six years I knew Steve, he only saw his daughter a few times, and she only lived a couple towns away. He constantly complained about paying child support, and I can remember the police coming to our house to arrest him for failing to pay on more than one occasion. He was not a good husband or father, and he was definitely not a good step-dad.

He never made any real effort to break down the barriers between us, or make any real attempt to bond with me. We simply tolerated each other, and when my mom died, a victim of breast cancer, we went our separate ways and I've had no knowledge of him for the past twenty years.

Steve offered one approach to being a step-parent, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you really love your partner, and the children that are so much a part of them, you find a way to fit yourself in to the family dynamic and make things work.

When I met my girlfriend, Hailey, at her mom's Christmas party, I met her kids too. There was David, who was quite shy... and Amy, who was not. That little four-year-old girl introduced herself to me by sneaking up from behind, and choking me with a plastic grocery bag. Later that night the two of them had fun shoving crushed up Doritos down the back of my pants.

It's hard to play it cool for the hot girl at the party when your underwear is filled with one of America's favorite snacks... but I was cool.

I thought they were funny, and was able to laugh at myself with them. I genuinely liked them right away. Both of them were adorable, and as they were pointing and laughing at the nacho cheese dust on my pants, Hailey asked me if I was "ready for this?"

Was I ready for it?

I loved it! Those kids were clearly part of her, down to their every fiber. Seeing her interact with them, that night was one of the things that turned me on about her the most. She was a good mom. My love for Hailey was born on that night, and her kids were very much a part of it.

When I met them, they were four and five years old. Amy was just learning the alphabet, and poor David was crying himself to sleep every night, because he missed his dad. Now, nearly eight years later, neither one of them can even remember what life was like before me.

I have a son of my own now, Christopher, who is five years old, and David and Amy will always be his big brother and big sister. He loves them, and it makes his day when they take the time to play with him.

Having been both a parent as well as a step-parent, I believe the latter is a more difficult position to be in. It's hard to be a step-parent, and I commend those who do it well.

It's an unfair situation. You share all the same responsibilities as the parents, but with the deck stacked against you. You are not the parent, and the children know it. You have to, very delicately, find a way to fit yourself into the family structure without crossing any lines.

It's no easy task.

At the same time, you're under constant scrutiny in your relationship with the kids; from your significant other and, quite possibly, even greater scrutiny from their ex.

I've always had a recurring fear... one of the kids getting hurt on my watch! Thankfully, that's never happened. Every parent knows you can't watch your kids every second of every day, but that's an irrelevant fact when you're just the step-parent.

You live under a microscope when it comes to raising someone's children. You play by a stricter set of rules, with less understanding, and harsher repercussions for any failures or shortcomings. It's a demanding position to be in that requires a lot of sacrifice, but it can be done, and it can be done well. Just not without real love.

Possibly the most unfair aspect of step-parenthood is the fact that the relationship you build with these children is attached to, and dependent on the relationship you have with your partner.

I have lived with, and loved these kids for the better part of a decade. They are an immense part of my life. In the blink of an eye, they could become lost to me forever. If Hailey was to fall out of love with me, or if something ever happened to her, they could possibly be extracted from my life forever.

One of the only equal aspects between parents and step-parents is the reward. I've had a huge part in raising these two special kids. They're good people, and I had a lot to do with that. I'm very proud of the role I've played in their lives so far. They love me... and nobody can ever take that away.

I think I've been a good step-parent for the most part, though there's always room for improvement. If Steve was the benchmark then I've definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty. In many ways, I gave myself to these kids just as much as I did to Hailey.

I've been there for them as best I could, and done my best to be a positive influence in their young lives. I'm not perfect, but I love them, and that might be all you need.

I'm proud to consider David and Amy "my kids," and I'm proud to have them be Chris's big brother and sister. Hailey and I have done a good job raising them, and it's obvious they are going to be fine adults.

In the blink of an eye, Amy went from carrying a Disney Princess backpack and reading Green Eggs and Ham, to sharing a wardrobe with Hailey and dreaming about falling in love.

David was quiet and shy as a small boy, but now stands two inches taller than I do, and can be the life of the party with his sense of humor and silly brand of charm. It's been a great honor, being part of their lives, and watching them grow up.

I will continue to love them and do the best I can for them, for the rest of my days. They have made my life fuller, and more important, than it could have ever been without them.

The good certainly outweighs the bad whenever you're talking about raising children in any case, whether you're a parent or a step-parent. Personally, I'm very proud to be both.

Fostering - A Challenging Task

Broken family relationships, physical ailments of parents, poverty and death of parents etc are reasons for many children to become dependent on care-taker families for their survival as well as growth. Small children when separated from their real parents undergo severe emotional turmoil and they can be brought back to their normal life by providing foster care. There are children who are driven out of their families or they come out of their homes due to fear, disappointment or hatred etc. For such children the foster parents can provide shelter, food and clothing for a temporary period and later under the initiative of the foster parents they can be reunited with their real parents. Those who voluntarily come forward as foster parents to other children must be prepared to provide safe accommodation and secured life to the children for few days or for few years. The children who are brought into foster families are able to shed their fear of insecurity and when they start to get the care and moral support of the carers they become hopeful of a secured and stable life.

The children who underwent a lot of sufferings and set backs during their childhood days undergo a transition when they are provided foster care. They start to grow physically as well as mentally, start developing their personality and set goals for them in their life. It is indeed a great service and the carers will be proud to see those brought up by them doing well in their life. Those who have enough support from their family members as well as friends can do much better in their roles as foster parents. Sometimes it may become strenuous as well as complicated and on such occasions support from others is quite necessary. Those who run such care centers must be in touch with other foster parents and by participation in the discussion forums and social functions arranged by various care centers provide them the opportunity to get acquainted to other foster parents and exchange their views and ideas.

Those who have their own family must obtain the consent of the family members prior to becoming carers. The partner and own children of the carer must be more than willing to share the home and facilities with those children who were brought into the family from outside. Adopting a child is quite different from being the carer of a child. Fostering is a temporary task. In case of adoption, adopted parents have legal responsibility of the child.

One Stepfather's Story - Sergeant Philip Harrison

An All-State guard in high school, James Toney, was offered a basketball scholarship to play at Seton Hall. James struggled with drug addiction. In 1973, he was jailed for drug possession when his son was still an infant. When he was released, James agreed to give up his parental visitation rights to his son's stepfather, Philip A. Harrison, and his mother, Lucille.

At 21 years old, his stepson wrote, "When my mother needed someone 21 years ago, Philip Harrison was the man...My father joined the Army when I was two so he could make a better living and also so he could get us out of the 'hood. I was born two years before my parents were married." In an interview, he expressed, "Just because you bring a child into the world, it doesn't make you a father."

Sergeant (Sgt) Harrison watched his stepson leave the house for his first day of school. He was the one who admired his elementary school artwork on the refrigerator. Sgt Harrison was the one who disciplined his stepson. He saw his first basketball dunk. Sgt Harrison eventually moved his family to Wildlflecken (Bavaria), Germany where he was stationed as a drill instructor. Even after entering his stepson's life, his stepson had a habit of acting out and getting into trouble.

Life for his stepson was difficult, but eventually Sgt Harrison was able to help his stepson reverse his course. While living in Germany, he continued to rebel (getting in fights, hitting teachers, breaking into cars, etc.) in hopes he would be sent back to the U.S. Sgt Harrison ended that dream telling his stepson, " Look, son, now matter what you do, I'm not letting them send you back. And if you don't listen to me, I'm going to beat your butt. Every...single...day."

Sgt Harrison's stepson went on to play basketball in college and the NBA. Here are just a few of his son's career highlights and awards:

NBA Rookie of the Year (1993) 4x NBA Champion (2000, 2001, 2002 & 2006) 3x NBA Finals MVP (2000-2002) NBA Most Valuable Player (2000) Gold Medal Olympic Games (Atlanta 1996)

During his playing days, he went by many nicknames: Superman, The Big Cactus, The Diesel, or The Big Shamrock. Now retired from basketball, Shaquille O'Neal or Shaq is best known as one of the most dominant players in the history of the NBA. In addition to his basketball career, Shaquille O'Neal has released four rap albums, with his first going platinum. He's also appeared in several films and starred in his own reality shows. Shaquille is currently an analyst on the television program "Inside the NBA."

As a result of his stepfather's influence and military background, Shaquille O'Neal has made a public service a priority in his life. His service ranges from donations to charities and organizations across the country to working as a reserve police officer in Los Angeles, Miami and Phoenix. As far as his career in law enforcement, "I am not a hero. My [step]father was my hero growing up."